Lost in a maze

My mind barely works for half an hour at a time these days. I can’t think, can’t concentrate, can’t articulate, cannot be.

I lose my train of thought almost instantly, almost everything a distraction, the way my skin feels, the taste in my mouth, dust floating in sunlight, caps gurgling in a computer, birds chirping, cars passing.

I get upset, irrationally angry, then feel guilty about it.

Nothing helps, coffee, sleep, music, masturbation, computer games, excercise, nothing.

Excercise makes me feel significantly better but I still can’t concentrate, and it doesn’t actually address the issue, a few years ago when I ran or hiked or went to the gym I was able to decompress, think, reason things out, now my mind is blank, empty, I cannot process or even identify whatever is lurking in my head, gnashing its teeth, trying to hurt me.

Sometimes I write hundreds and hundreds of words in a little note book I carry around with me, wherever I am, the idea seizes me and I write, in a public bathroom, at my desk, in bed, hunched over a cafe table, halfway up a mountain, in the middle of meetings.

Why is it there when I cannot give it the time it needs and absent when I can?

Sometimes I go for days without a conscious thought, no real agency, a malfunctioning machine unnoticed by those around it. There are holes in my life, days that feel like seconds.

Someone must have noticed, how could they not notice? Do they not care?