The below is a selection of bits and pieces I wrote down in my notebook at some point in time, I’m transcribing them mostly because I found myself going over them recently and I’m trying to find anything I can try that will get me writing properly again.

Nothing below was ever meant to be read by anyone else and some of it probably makes no sense without context but maybe you’ll find this amusing for a minute or so. Where there are dates or locations noted I’ve included them, the headings are new additions to break each note up and don’t really mean anything. Some of these are quite melodramatic.

Decision Paralysis

Feel like my brain is melting in my head.

Too much, too much, always too much.

Want out of this life, want comfort, ease, warmth, sleep.
Want a drink.
How do you make a choice when all of your options are awful unpleasant?

Want to feel comfortable & not on edge for a change.

Need time to think & to breath.

Slop

More More More.
Buy more, eat more
You wanna be happy don’t you?
Buy more shite, buy more stuff.
We’re raping the planet to death.
More.
Pick it up, put it in your mouth, put it on your credit card!!
More more more!
Seasons more unstable every single year.
Doesn’t matter, more.
You wanna be happy, get ahead, get laid.
Pick it all up, pour it in your mouth, pour it into your eyes. Fill the void we put inside of you.
More, always more, more shit you don’t need, made by slaves.

Written directly opposite the entry above

You do actually need a mechanical pencil, despite the note to the right.

Frustrated (01/05/24)

So what are my options, do I have any? There are always choices to be made, even if you don’t like the options.

Bad options is very different than no options.
I’m frustrated, I feel like I am capable of so much more than I am capable of ever actually realising.

There are days so bright & clear & happy that I feel I’ve finally heard, then days were I feel I have been forever deaf.

Two steps forward, one step back,
Two steps forward, two steps back,
Two steps forward, three steps back,
Two steps forward, one step back,

I am doing nothing, very energetically & causing myself distress in the process.

Is this just how it is going to be?
A struggle to be? Nevermind a struggle to be happy.

What am I even trying to say here? What exactly is my complaint?

What is my problem?

What do I actually want?

Musings on the Computer (Each line a separate entry)

Disassemble that entire fucking computer and find the noisy component

How can I get the computer further away from me?

Is it time for a complete break from the computer? I swear its making my tinnitus worse
Yes, I think it is, it will do me a world of good.

Make computer even quieter

• Repaste
• Dust
• Redo fan curves

(I have issues with noise, if you can’t tell)

Thinking about them funko pops

If consumption or acquisition is the end state of the hobby is it really a hobby?

Scraps for articles

Rough draft fragment for article about approach to consumption

No ethical consumption under capitalism!

So? This is raised, time & again, as a defence of blind consumption by people wishing to present themselves as anti capitalist.

If there is no ethical consumption under capitalism, the only ethical response is to consume as little as possible, and look for ways outside the capitalist economy to fill your needs where possible.

It is not carte blanche to put your nose in the trough just because its easy.

Very first crumbs of a book review

Suicide is planar. It stretches infinitely in either direction, if your life should intersect it it will live in you forever, a part of you, past, present, future, retroactively infecting everything.

Ramblings on personhood

Soul / Sapience

^

Gestalt

A better word for the soul or sapience might be gestalt

Both are emergent properties of life from the many millions of analogue inputs that are a person. If a person is their parts summing >1, that which is over 1 is the soul.

Creative writing stubs/farts/lines

Hanging like a tick from the flank of mother night.

A boy in a coastal village sets out across the world that was, to find parts for a long broken hydroelectric dam.