My Cousin went into the river last night. I could hear the helicopter late in the night, looking for him, none of us knew who it was for. Today there are entire launches looking, gangs of men in motorboats and kayaks out combing the water.

Yesterday nobody cared, or at least he must have thought so.

It is a strange feeling. I cannot bring myself to be sad, because I have barely seen the man in a decade. But I can remember him as a toddler, as a 5 year old, as a teenager.

I can remember him running madly down the street on Halloween, I can remember showing him how to use a telephone, I can remember the odd feeling of not immediately recognising him when I passed him on the street at Christmas.

Where is the grief I should feel?

I don’t know what to do now, I don’t know how to comfort those around me, I am not upset, but everyone else is. I don’t know where I am going with this or what the point of it is.